Thursday, 14 August 2014

Letters from a Liberal party strategist

Written by

MEMO

From: Stan Purtell, Director of Strategy, Liberal Party

To: Eric Abetz, Minister for Employment

 

Hi Eric,

In response to your query, yes I believe there has been some science done since the 1950s. I would definitely advise looking some of it up before making comment. I agree, maybe nothing has changed, but just to cover every angle, you know?

 

 

MEMO

From: Stan Purtell

To: Eric Abetz

 

Hi Eric,

Please see attachment titled “How women work” for comprehensive diagram of the female body. Not sure how you’re going to use this, but hopefully it’s what you need.

 

 

MEMO

From: Stan Purtell

To: Tony Abbott, Prime Minister of Australia

 

Hi Tony,

Got your email. That is a nice drawing of you in army clothes. Your drawing has gotten much better. Yes, I think Margie will love it. But no, I don’t think you should take it to your next press conference. Some journalists don’t like drawings.

 

 

MEMO

From: Stan Purtell

To: George Brandis QC, Attorney-General

 

Hi George,

In answer to your query, no, I don’t think a good analogy for metadata is “invisible ink”. It’s up to you, of course, but I personally would advise deleting from any upcoming speeches any reference to the government “holding up a candle to your phones”. I also don’t think it would be great to refer to metadata as “the sticker on your apple” or “not the computer, but the ghost who lives inside the computer”. If you would like a really good working definition of metadata I am sure you can find one on the internet.

 

 

MEMO

From: Stan Purtell

To: George Brandis

 

Hi George,

No, the internet. It’s on your computer.

 

 

MEMO

From: Stan Purtell

To: Eric Abetz

 

Hi Eric,

Got your email. Yes it’s true that abortions and breast cancer both happen to women. No, I don’t think that qualifies as “a link”.

 

 

MEMO

From: Stan Purtell

To: Joe Hockey, Treasurer

 

Hi Joe,

I looked it up. Yes, poor people DO have the vote. So yes, you probably can’t just tell them to sod off.

 

 

MEMO

From: Stan Purtell

To: Tony Abbott

 

Hi Tony,

Just a heads-up: I’ve stopped the release of your official statement listing all the world leaders you could beat in wrestling. Wanted to submit it to a quick fact check before putting it out there.

 

MEMO

From: Stan Purtell

To: George Brandis

 

Hi George,

Have you remembered to plug it in?

 

 

MEMO

From: Stan Purtell

To: Joe Hockey

 

Hi Joe,

Thank you for the photo of your car, it is, as you say, very nice. I’m sure you’re right when you say a poor person (BTW, that’s how you should probably refer to them in public, not just “a poor”) probably couldn’t afford it. However, there are actually cheaper cars on the market as well. If you like I could organise a trip to a car yard so you can see for yourself.

 

 

MEMO

From: Stan Purtell

To: Tony Abbott

 

Hi Tony,

No I’m not saying that. I am sure you are excellent at wrestling, it’s really more of a strategic thing. In regard to the other matter you mentioned, I have to be brutally honest here: it would make my job a lot easier if you didn’t try to swim to Iraq.

 

 

MEMO

From: Stan Purtell

To: Eric Abetz

 

Hi Eric,

In my position I don’t think I can offer a reliable opinion on who God might or might not want to punish. But yes I suppose it is possible that He might want to punish women. And yes I suppose some of them might be naked. Nevertheless I do strongly advise against mentioning this in any public statements.

 

 

MEMO

From: Stan Purtell

To: Eric Abetz

 

Hi Eric,

Yes I’m sure God wants to punish Mia Freedman. But no, I don’t think we can actually draft legislation against her.

 

 

MEMO

From: Stan Purtell

To: George Brandis

 

Hi George,

No, not a real mouse. I’ll send someone over to show you.

 

 

MEMO

From: Stan Purtell

To: Joe Hockey

 

Hi Joe,

I don’t have the exact figures to hand, but yes I believe there are quite a few poor people in Australia right now. And yes, it is legal for them to breed.

 

 

MEMO

From: Stan Purtell

To: Tony Abbott

 

Hi Tony,

I promise I never said anything about your muscles being “like a girl’s”. Probably just press gallery gossip. No, I don’t think an appropriate response would be an invasion of China.

 

 

MEMO

From: Stan Purtell

To: Joe Hockey

 

Hi Joe,

Congratulations on your trip to the western suburbs and your safe return. I agree, much glory to God for protecting you. Yes it is true that your house cost a lot more than those houses you saw. This doesn’t actually mean, though, that housing is more affordable for poor people than for rich people. I know it’s complicated, it’s an economics issue really. I’ll send you a pamphlet.

 

 

MEMO

From: Stan Purtell

To: Tony Abbott

 

Hi Tony,

No I don’t think we should invade Germany either. It’s not really the choice of country that I’m objecting to here, Tony.

 

 

MEMO

From: Stan Purtell

To: George Brandis

 

Hi George,

No, metadata is not “a special cage we put monkeys in”. Honestly I think you’re getting further and further away here. Please do not issue any more statements on metadata until you’ve been properly briefed by our experts. As to the other matter, you might have broken it by putting your coffee mug in it – it’s not actually a cup holder.

 

 

MEMO

From: Stan Purtell

To: Eric Abetz

 

Hi Eric,

No, I don’t think dead babies come back as ghosts. In particular I don’t think this is a point you should raise during Question Time.

 

 

MEMO

From: Stan Purtell

To: Tony Abbott

 

Tony, I absolutely forbid you to publicly announce your intentions to “punch ISIS in the face”. I’m serious Tony.

 

 

MEMO

From: Stan Purtell

To: George Brandis

 

Oh for Christ’s sake. You can’t get metadata with a screwdriver. I’ll send a repairman. Sit on your hands till he comes.

 

 

MEMO

From: Stan Purtell

To: Eric Abetz

 

No we do not have capital punishment any more. And certainly not at a stake. Go have a lie down.

 

 

MEMO

From: Stan Purtell

To: Joe Hockey

 

Look, why don’t you stick that cigar in [REDACTED]?

 

Ben  Pobjie

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