To: Mr Eric Abetz
Minister for Employment
Bolgia 8, Malebolge, 8th Circle
I wish to apply for the role of statistician, which I presume to be currently vacant, in your office.
I’m applying for this role because, in addition to being the 40th job application I will have filed this month in order to get my dole payment, your stated reliance on “anecdotal data” leads me to believe the statistician role in your office would only be part time.
In fact, part time would be perfect, because I am a single mother who can’t afford childcare thanks to your government dismissing the Productivity Commission’s suggestion to divert Paid Parental Leave funding into the under resourced child care system.
With keen time management skills honed from “seek(ing) a job of a morning and of an afternoon”, I am confident my ability to pad work out with meaningless tasks will be fully synergistic with a government that has only been able to pass 6 legislative bills since coming to power 10 months ago.
I don’t believe my complete lack of experience as a statistician will be a drawback, thanks to your preference for “anecdotal evidence” over actual data.
I do, however, have wonderful experience as a lifter (but not as a leaner). You should see how many reports stating Work for the Dole schemes are counterproductive for welfare recipients and employers I can lift and put in the bin. I won’t recycle them though. Only leaners rely on paper previously used by honest taxpayers. That’s not me, Betzy. We should totally have a team building session where we lift trees from the Tasmanian forest (you know, the one we tried to “unlock”) and take them back to Canberra to make more paper for things like “Real Solutions”.
Additionally, I have no formal qualifications as a statistician. I trust this won’t be an issue because no one can actually afford education anymore. I do know Latin, however, so feel free to have me stand as your proxy in any meetings with Christopher Pyne. Most of my Latin knowledge is based on prayers but I’m sure it won’t change the outcome of our conversations.
In addition to Latin, I have great communication skills and can answer most questions with a stock “there is no doubt that all the social data tells us...” without referencing any of the data or studies or even listening to the question. This skill really comes in handy and also allows me to keep meetings to a minimum by saying “no”, “Howard Government” or “LA LA LAAAA I can’t hear you” repeatedly.
With regards to salary, I’m used to living below the poverty line on Newstart’s $245 per week, though I hear there is an extra $20 potentially available to people on the Work for the Dole scheme - just the thing to help me afford the cost of living in Canberra where starting rent for a 1 bedroom unit is $220 per week. That would leave me with $40 a week to live on. Or should I just squat in that rental Abbott doesn’t live in and cost $3000 per week?
Yes, of course, I would move for this job, Minister - I’m no “job snob”. It doesn’t matter that I live in Melbourne - I know you believe in moving for work because “where there are jobs available, you should seek that employment, even if it is not necessarily the employment of first choice”. Trust me, working for you would be my last choice.
I look forward to discussing this exciting opportunity with you further.