Dear readers, strap yourself in for the greatest story never told!
Ok maybe not the greatest. But definitely the best one you’ll hear all day. Depending on the other stories you may have heard today, obviously. But this one really is quite surprisingly good, at the very least. I think it is, anyway. Oh look, it’s got Nazis and aliens and magic hair in it. If that’s not good enough for you then go listen to Infowars or something, I don’t care.
This is the story of Maria Orsic, a beautiful and beguiling woman who may, or may not have played a key role in some of the most astounding military secrets in history. Her life story swims in mystery, rumour and conspiracy theories, leaving meagre pickings scattered across humankind’s collective documented wisdom (“The Internet”) for those seeking only what is true and right and based on unshakeable evidence.
But hey, she was a babe, so pish posh to evidence, I say.
What we do know about Maria Orsic is this. She was probably born in Vienna to an Austrian mother and a Croatian father in 1895. She probably moved to Munich in 1919 to be with her fiancé. She became interested in German nationalism movement, and she was some sort of psychic medium.
That’s not much of a story, is it? Not until you look at some of the less-confirmed details (or, as most late-night, web-based researchers like to call them: FACTS). Like the FACT that Maria Orsic was friends with the Thule Gesellschaft, a German occultist society that advocated the notion of Aryan racial purity and provided fertile ground of the seeds of the Nazi Party. Or the FACT that Orsic and a small group of other beautiful female psychics formed the Vril Society, whose central tenet was the existence of an energy force called Vril which could bestow great power on anyone clever enough to tap into it. Or the FACT that Maria and her Vril Society sisters wore their hair in unfashionably long pony-tails, which acted as psychic aerials for cosmic energy and alien messages.
Uh-huh. Nazis, aliens and magic hair. “Now THAT,” you say, smiling a wry smile and doing that funny waggly thing with your forefinger, “is a STORY.” But let’s look at this rationally. Look up at the top of the page. There’s really not all that many words between the bold headingy bit and the bit you’re reading right now. Dig even deeper and you’ll discover a further assortment of words between these ones and the bottom of the page. That can mean only one thing. That’s right. There’s MORE.
As the story goes, Maria and a small contingent of the German occultist Who’s Who met in a cabin in the Bavarian alps in 1919. To this group, Maria announced that she had received communications (through her hair, presumably) from a planet in the Aldebaran system, about 65 light years away. The messages came to her in a combination of German Templar script and ancient Sumerian. After a bit of bitching about why a seemingly advanced race of aliens chose to transmit their cosmic message in two different obsolete Earthling languages, she discovered that the message contained the instructions and blueprints for building a circular, Vril-powered flying machine. The Aldebaranians had further communications with Maria, revealing that they had used a convenient Aldebaran-Earth worm-hole to partially colonise Earth a few centuries earlier, establishing the Aryan race (and also Uma Thurman).
Over the next few years, Maria shared her story with some Thule Gesellschaft mates, including a few eager up-and-comers like Rudolf Hess and Adolph Hitler. By the end of World War II, the Germans had harnessed the power of Vril, constructed a flying saucer, landed on the moon, visited Mars and established Vril-fueled colonies under the South Pole, where they await the opportunity to exact their revenge on the Allies.
Nothing has been heard of Maria Orsic since 1945. She disappeared and was presumed dead. In this instance, “dead” could also mean “living on another planet”.
And that, my friends, is how a beautiful woman helped the Nazis take over the world in their flying saucers. It happened just exactly like that.