Wednesday, 04 December 2013

Notes from Chris

Written by

The following are copies of correspondence retrieved from the office of the Honourable Christopher Pyne, MP, Minister for Education and Apprentice Baloo, sent by the Hon. Mr Pyne to various colleagues in recent days.

Dear Tony,

This is probably nothing, but some of the girls in the office were saying something about an “education policy”. I remember a few months ago you mentioned this? Did we end up getting one, or am I just being paranoid?

xxxx Chris

 

Dear Tony,

OK, thanks for the clarification. So when you told me I was the “Education Minister”, that meant I was literally the minister for education. Isn’t English a funny language? OK so I guess I’ll have our education policy ready for the morning.

Lots of love, Chris

 

Dear Tracy,

Could you be a darling and look up what Labor’s education policy is? I have to make one of my own and I’d better make sure it’s not the same as theirs! Wouldn’t that be an oops!

Chris

 

Dear Mum,

I just wrote a policy! By myself! In running writing! Hard to believe isn’t it?

xoxoxoxoxox

Chris

 

Dear Tony,

Pretty good, eh?

Chris

 

Dear Peta,

Is Tony angry at me? He won’t answer my notes. I was just wondering how he likes my education policy. I think it’s pretty good – it’s totally not like Labor’s so that’s got to be good doesn’t it?

Chris

 

Dear Peta,

OK now I’m confused.

Chris

 

Dear Lenore,

No, look, I’ve explained this to Laura and Peter and Laurie and Annabel and all you people – the policy is exactly the same as Labor’s except better. Why is that so hard to understand?

Chris

 

Dear Peter,

Look, the envelope is the same. How many times do I have to say envelope before you’ll leave me ALONE?

Chris

 

Dear Tony,

OK I think I’ve fixed it. So now the envelope is the same, only bigger, and better, because Labor’s envelope wasn’t even an envelope, it was, like, a bag or something. That sounds right – I’m sure everything will be OK.

Hugs,

Chris

PS: a lot of people have been asking me about “schools” lately. Is this related to Education? Should I be studying?

 

Tracy,

Could you run down the chemist and get me some St John’s Wort?

C

 

Dear Peta,

No, it is not my fault! How can I help it if state politicians are tacky? If they had any class they’d be federal, now wouldn’t they? Can’t we just give them some cash to make them go away? It works with homeless people, and they’re a bit like state MPs.

Chris

 

Dear Peta,

I don’t know where we get the cash from! Isn’t that Joe’s job? There’s a place in Canberra that makes money, we went there on a school excursion once. Maybe ring them up.

Chris

 

Dear Tony,

OK I think we’ve got our stories straight now. We didn’t like Gonski, so we opposed it, but because we needed to provide certainty to the Australian people who weren’t sure whether we opposed it, we were forced by Labor’s trickery to support it, but then afterwards we came up with something better than Gonski with a bigger envelope so we’re going to do that, but also because we are keeping our promises and we are adults we are going to honour Gonski as well but actually it’s better than Gonski because we’re adults. Point of order Madame Speaker oh sorry that just slipped out.

Smooches,

Chris

 

Dear Tony,

No, I don’t think anyone noticed. I’m sure everyone loves you as much as they ever did. And please don’t say that about yourself, you have a lovely face, yes, even on television. It’s like my mum always said, “people are just pooey sometimes”. Don’t let them get to you. They’re just jealous.

Tickles,

Chris

 

Dear Michelle,

Please stop harassing me with your demands for “answers”. I am very busy at the moment reading an interesting book called How Schools Work. I will grant you an interview covering all essential facets of my home life and fashion sense when I am finished.

Chris

 

Dear Tony,

Yes actually I DO think I am still the best man for this job. Who else would be? I am MISTER Education, Tony, I have had a bigger education than you’ve had hot dinners. I went to a school and everything. More than once. So don’t doubt my credentials. Just remember, before I came along, you didn’t even HAVE an education policy, let alone four in three days. If anything, my productivity is TOO high. Maybe I should have a nice holiday.

Spoons,

Chris

 

Dear Julie,

I know who sent me the dead rat. Stop it.

Chris

 

Dear Tony,

Some people are talking about a thing called “Gonski”. Do you know what that is? Have an awful feeling I should’ve picked up on this earlier. Is it some kind of drink? I think I had a Gonski at the midwinter ball once. Or maybe it’s a person? Sounds ethnic though – Labor? Anyway it’s probably not important, just that somebody said something about Gonski education and I got worried, but I looked it up and Gonski is not a school so I don’t think it matters. Just let me know if it matters.

Lick,

Chris

PS: I just thought of another one – “Platypus Bill”! Classic! Don’t really know what it means but I think it’ll make people laugh a lot.

 

Dear Mr Addington,

I would be delighted to speak at your school awards ceremony on the subject, “What Schools Mean To A Liberal Fellow”. I will require a large jug of water, a detailed map showing me how to find the hall, and a thesaurus.

Yours in Gonski,

The Honourable Christopher Pyne

 

Dear Tony,

Sorry about the awards ceremony thing. I think I can fix this though.

Cheeks,

Chris

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