Wednesday, 02 October 2013

Diary of a Moral Crusader

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23rd September

Morning meeting of the Alliance Against Children’s Bodies: one of the more lively AACB gatherings for some time. I showed some shocking slides of the latest Big W catalogue, and our Treasurer told a shocking anecdote about the pre-school prostitutes’ outfits she’d seen at the beach last week. Meeting got a bit rowdy when a woman stood up the back and demanded all children have their bodies surgically removed to eliminate the risk, and some of the more moderate members protested this was a step too far. Meeting ended with a resolution that the AACB is opposed to children being enslaved by drunken sex maniacs, and we call on the prime minister to agree.

24th September

A hard day’s work down on the picket lines outside Target. Incredibly embarrassed when I discovered that I’d misspelt “pornification” on my sign. Had to run home and correct it. When I got back the picket line had become a little disorderly as some of the protesters had gone inside to take advantage of a sale on pillowcases. Embarrassing. Immediately expelled them from the protest and laid down the law in no uncertain terms: NOBODY was to enter the store until they agreed to discontinue their lines of children’s underwear featuring “leg-holes”, a blatant attempt to draw the public’s attention to the fact that children have legs. How many children must have their innocence stripped from them before we take action? Made an impassioned speech to this effect, but a lot of people missed it because they were at the toilet. Finally got a chance to meet with the store manager, who said he was sensitive to our concerns. I asked if that was true, why was he selling THESE, and held up a child’s t-shirt sold in Target that clearly exposes the wearer’s ARMS. He had no answer – he stood exposed as a paedophile of the worst kind, and I urged my followers to pelt him with fruit. A most satisfying day.

25th September

Spent the morning looking out front window and taking notes. A lot of children going past on bikes and scooters, looking incredibly sexy. At times I had to put down my pad and weep at the ruthless murder of their childhoods. Went outside to stop one young girl of about eight and ask when she’d been sold into prostitution. She gave me a terrified look and rode away as fast as she could – no doubt her pimp was watching and would punish her if she spoke to anyone. Really depressing. Had to have a bit of a lie down after being exposed to so much provocative sexuality, but got up in the afternoon to go down to the pool and confiscate phones from perverts. Got into a fistfight with one crotchety old pornographer who claimed to be “taking pictures of her granddaughter”, but as I TRIED to explain to her, family members are most frequently the very ones who become abusers. And I saw her granddaughter – she was in the sluttiest nappy I’ve seen in years. Called the police but they didn’t seem to take me seriously, even though I made it quite clear there was an elderly rapist on the loose. Will have to picket the police station now.

26th September

Picketed the police station. Didn’t go well. They refused to arrest me no matter how many times I accused them of raping a generation. After a while an officer came out and offered me a coffee. I screamed “Police brutality!” but nobody listened. Day a total washout.

27th September

Much better day. Appeared on Today Tonight to warn viewers about how sexy their children are. Managed to slip in a lot of great statistics about how many paedophiles per square metre Australia now has. After the shooting went to café to make disapproving clicking noises at the waitresses, whose skirts were so short they might as well have been pushing vaginas down my throat. Handed my waitress a pamphlet on who to contact if your skirt is raping you, but I feel she might be so in denial she won’t even read it. In the evening I wrote an article about sexting as the cause of cervical cancer. A controversial area of clinical study, but a growing one. The links are clear: almost 100% of cervical cancer sufferers have at one time been in the same room as a mobile phone which has been used to send explicit images or is made by the same company as one which has been used to send explicit images. Hopefully my article will help put an end to the sexting holocaust.

Early to bed. Had a nasty moment when my hand accidentally touched my thigh while I was putting on my pyjamas, but the chemical shower I had installed has now paid for itself.

28th September

Had a photoshoot for a profile piece in Good Weekend. Suggested the photographer could take picture of me holding damaged children in my arms and crying, but he just wanted me sitting at the kitchen table looking disapprovingly at a banana. Then brunch with prime minister. Told him that his daughters were in danger of becoming hardcore porn actresses if they kept wearing those running shorts. He agreed to send them overseas. At the end of our meeting he tried to kiss my cheek so I bit his testicles. Think he got the message.

29th September

Church in the morning, though one can hardly even call it “church” with the standards of dress being accepted nowadays. The reverend actually allowed a girl to do a reading from the Bible while wearing shorts. I almost vomited, it was so arousing. Can only imagine how uncomfortable the poor lass felt, under all those lustful gazes. Threw a blanket over her to save her modesty, but she simply shrugged it off and I was escorted out by some VERY gropey altar boys.

In the afternoon went to a Little Athletics meet and threw paint on the competitors. Was accosted by an angry coach, but calmly explained to her that she was facilitating the visual rape of the children under her charge and that I would have her arrested shortly. She seemed to understand, although she did her best to pretend she didn’t. Called the police, who arrived with commendable speed. My bail was set at $10,000. Mother will be by in the morning to post it.

30th September

Released from lockup. Noted to duty officer how whorish her uniform made her look. She threatened to tase me. Internalised misogyny. Headed to Channel Nine studios to tape ACA interview about how elites are trying to impregnate our daughters through art galleries. Told the one about the girl who got AIDS from her midriff top. Think I made my point.

In the afternoon another meeting of the AACB, in which we resolved to all write to our MPs and demand that breasts be placed on the Restricted Substances list. On the way home saw a woman apparently trying to sell her two-year-old’s body to the highest bidder, judging from the way she was flaunting her shapely calves. Determined to not see yet another child fall through the sexy cracks, grabbed the girl and ran home.

Currently sitting behind barricade made of couches, exchanging occasional fire with police. Hoping the AACB will send reinforcements. We can’t put up with this sex-drenched society any longer.

Ben  Pobjie

Ben has not one but TWO hilarious books out now. Surveying the Wreckage and Superchef.

Follow him on twitter @benpobjie
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