Monday, 22 April 2013

Ben for PM!

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In another Tribune exclusive, here is Ben Pobjie’s opening speech to his bathroom mirror last Thursday. 

My Fellow Australians,

When I first announced that I would be running for Prime Minister of Australia, many people thought it was a joke. But nothing could be further from the truth, unless it was “Ben Pobjie is not committed to the prosperity of this nation”, because THAT would be very very far from the truth indeed. I would like to lay out my policy framework here and now to make sure everyone realises how serious I am about turning this leaky boat around.

A lot of politicians these days talk the talk, but the question is, can they walk the walk? My first act as prime minister will be to establish a Royal Commission on Walking the Walk, with broad terms of reference so it can discover who is walking the walk and who isn’t, and hopefully what “walking the walk” entails. The Australian people deserve the maximum level of walk-walking from their elected representatives.

One of the greatest problems facing Australia is politicians who spend like drunken sailors. I hereby make an ironclad commitment to spend only like sober sailors at all times. Rest assured that when I am buying canvas, rope and sextants, I will not allow my drinking problem to affect my judgment – the Australian people deserve high-quality sailing goods at competitive prices.

These days it is quite common for governments to lose their way. This even happens to good governments. In fact it seems to happen to good governments more often than to bad ones. My promise to the Australian people is that my government will never lose its way, and under my leadership all government MPs will be provided with maps and torches to ensure this. The Australian people deserve a government with a good sense of direction.

The Australian people also deserve a government that is tough on border security. Too many of our borders are insecure. As prime minister I will make sure that all borders undergo counselling to boost self-esteem and learn self-reliance. Our borders must be confident and comfortable with their own identities. To assist in this my government will also install a trip wire around the perimeter of the country that, when triggered, will cause an array of cannons to fire live dogs at anyone trying to get in.

I am a different kind of politician. Many of my opponents refuse to play the rule-in, rule-out game. My promise to you is that I will play the rule-in, rule-out game, as often as is needed. The Australian people deserve a prime minister who will play games with them, and on my first day in office I will begin ruling things in AND out, at astonishing speed. My prime ministership will be one of out and in-ruling, and I make no apologies for that. Many of my opponents make no apologies sometimes, but as your prime minister I pledge to NEVER make apologies for anything. There is no room for inconsistent apology-making. That is something I will rule out right here and now, and simultaneously rule in its antithesis.

Both of my opponents seem intent on using taxes to fund their spending. This is unfair to all modern hard-working Australian fair dinkum families. As prime minister I will abolish taxes and instead derive revenue from a new nationwide scheme of sneaking into rich people’s houses and stealing their jewellery. No longer will governments wage class warfare by taking people’s hard-earned money in confiscatory taxes. Instead I will take people’s hard-earned jewellery. The Australian people deserve a prime minister who will stealthily enter their houses to rob them.

The reason why we need a streamlined taxation/jeweltheft system is because a strong country begins with a strong economy, and as prime minister I will create the strongest economy of all. As soon as I am in The Lodge I will begin feeding the economy vitamins and taking it out for runs. By 2015 Australia’s economy will be able to punch other economies right in the face. The Australian people deserve a muscular, violent economy. 

The above is all the more true when you consider that China is coming for us. Do we want Chinese people murdering us for our uranium? I may be old-fashioned, but I say no. Under my government, Australian citizens will never be murdered by Chinese people. I pledge all murders will carried out by local workers. The 457 murderer visa will be abolished. The Australian people deserve a government that is tough on murder, and tough on the causes of murder. This is why on my first day as prime minister, I will force all cabinet members to take an oath to not murder anyone while they are in parliament. Any cabinet minister found to have committed murder will lose 5% of his parliamentary superannuation.

Now, I am not an educated man. I can’t twist words into unspeakable shapes like my opponents. I am a simple man of the land, who loves his country, and who loves his flag, and who loves a beer and a pie at the end of a long hard day of fair going. I’m not here to make pretty speeches or do outrageous stunts on top of wheat silos. The Australian people deserve better than that. The Australian people deserve a prime minister who knows how to make this country better than countries which are worse, and it’s time someone stopped countries that are worse being better than we are. The Australian people deserve that. They don’t deserve spin or empty promises. On my first day in office I pledge to stop spinning and fill all my promises up. If you think you deserve that, please give me your support.

Ben  Pobjie

Ben has not one but TWO hilarious books out now. Surveying the Wreckage and Superchef.

Follow him on twitter @benpobjie