Tuesday, 04 September 2012

Underpants Squid For PM

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I believe in the almighty power of the giant squid that lives in a golden cave in MacGillycuddy’s Reeks, painstakingly fashioning underpants for humanity from its own ink-stained emanations.

I believe that the universe is held together by invisible vibrating organisms called Gordon, which are so sensitive to certain frequencies of sound that a child’s cry or the instrumental break in Nutbush City Limits could cause an irreparable rift in reality.

I believe that the common cold is caused not by a virus but by the inability of most people to pronounce “controversy” correctly.

I don’t care if nobody’s ever actually seen a cave-dwelling mountain squid in the highlands of Ireland. I’ve never seen any peer-reviewed, double-blind studies that prove there isn’t a giant underpants-knitting squid.

Likewise, any claims that nobody has ever witnessed the life-giving oscillations of Gordon only serve to confirm my belief that Gordon is invisible. And don’t try and tell me you’ve never sat next to a bawling moppet on a plane and felt some of your life-force slip away; or wished the Earth would implode rather than hear another refrain from Ms Tina Turner.

And have you ever wondered why it is that the people who seem to get coughs and colds year in and year out are the very same people who say “controversy” rather than “controversy”? Hmmm?

I know these things are true. I wouldn’t believe them if they weren’t true. I don’t want to hear any namby-pamby so-called “scientific” refutations of my beliefs, thank very much. I’ve heard them all before, and I don’t care for them.

It’s high time my beliefs were respected, recognised and represented in the Australian way of life.

Thus, I propose that we acknowledge MacGillycuddy’s squid and its supreme omnipotence publicly and explicitly, with a short but sombre underpants-snapping ceremony at the Opening of Parliament.

I propose that, in an effort to preserve the integrity of our planet, all children aged five and under should be prevented from crying by any means necessary. Legislation should be passed making under-age crying a criminal offence under the Environmental Protection Act. All copies of Nutbush City Limits should be destroyed and all relevant publishing and performance rights withdrawn.

Additionally, I propose that alongside the theoretical teaching of the implication of human rhinovirus in the common cold, the equally compelling linguistic theory should be included in the biological and medical syllabus of schools and universities. We should, as they say, teach the controversy. Controversy. Whatever.

I don’t see how any democratic and responsible government could possibly see fit to deny my proposals. Sure, they could argue that my beliefs are not based on any observable, repeatable, verifiable, tangible or predictable phenomena or data, but when has that ever mattered? Since when are such quantifiable hallmarks of human knowledge necessary pre-requisites for acceptance by Australians policy-makers?

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Last modified on Tuesday, 04 September 2012
Shelley Stocken

Shelley Stocken is a freelance writer when she’s not feeding, clothing and wiping family members.

Follow her on twitter @shellity