Tuesday, 04 September 2012


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It is often said that opinions are like arseholes: they drive SUVs. But motoring habits aside, it must be confessed that opinions are very popular nowadays. Newspapers are filled with them, television is positively clogged with them, and everyone you meet seems to be eager to give you theirs. Why, you probably have some opinions of your own and after reading this article, you’ll probably have even more.

What’s interesting about opinions is that people keep on having them in blatant defiance of the rather obvious fact that nobody cares.

Do you hear that, everyone on earth? Nobody cares. I don’t care. We don’t care. Whoever you’re talking to does not care. Try to keep that in mind – it’ll help, in your journey through life, to remember that each time you open your mouth, you are most likely going to say something that nobody in the world has the slightest interest in. Your ill-founded thoughts, dull-brained hypotheses and passionate-yet-idiotic “feelings” are of no consequence. When you go around telling people what you think, expressing yourself honestly, you are contributing nothing to the world but an aggravation of the growing global problem of verbal pollution.

What are you thinking? What is running through the loose assemblage of dried hay and Oil of Olay squatting atop your neck as you blurt out the indigestive rumblings of a deluded village idiot? What mischievous fairy is perched on your shoulder, whispering that there is someone out there interested in your opinion? What burrowing parasite has been let loose in your papery brain tissue, to bore holes through every lobe dedicated to good judgment and decency?

“Oh, but everyone is entitled to their opinion,” squawk the mindless toucans of tedium, as if that changes anything. Of course people are entitled to their opinion. People are entitled to their bloodied penile discharge too, but it doesn’t mean they should go splashing it all over everyone in public.

And yeah, I realise there’s nothing we can do to ensure that people keep their opinions to themselves, because we are governed by the same metrosexual fascists who thought it’d be a good idea to fill our prisons up with Xboxes and give the police force a sex change.

I get that we can’t actually imprison or kill or apply massive electric shocks to the genitals of people who state their opinions, but surely that doesn’t mean we can’t fight back at all? Can’t we put in place a few unwritten rules, some basic standards of etiquette, that ensure that we can go about our business free from cretins vomiting their half-formed “views” into our ears and that the aforementioned cretins are not given an embarrassingly misleading sense of their own importance? Really, when people give their opinions, nobody wins.

As always, we must start with the children. We must inculcate in them the knowledge that having an opinion is a lot like strangling your pet rabbit – it’s fine in private, but don’t tell anyone about it or you’ll get in trouble.

We must teach them that any sentence beginning with the words, “In my opinion” is a bad sentence, that they will be smacked if they say any such sentence and that if they hear someone else say a sentence like that they should tell a policeman (or woman, thank you Steve Bracks).

In fact, educating children on the unacceptability of opinions needs to be our focus. Let’s drop all the rubbish about bad language — in fact, encourage your kids to swear — screaming FUCK is an excellent way to expend the excess energy that might otherwise be used to say, “Here’s what I think”.

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Ben  Pobjie

Ben has not one but TWO hilarious books out now. Surveying the Wreckage and Superchef.

Follow him on twitter @benpobjie