Ok, all you God-fearing dominionist defenders of Christian fundamentalism: you win. There’s no need to hide behind your Traditional Family Values and your Sanctity of Marriage and your Religious Freedom anymore. No need to disguise your contempt for the brown, the naked, the sexually unconventional and the culturally miscellaneous of Australia. Let’s have it all out in the open.
I’m sick of struggling against your battle for the hearts and minds of my children. You want to make little mini-disciples? Fine. Want to feed kids fairy stories about Big Huggy Sky-Bullies before they learn the difference between ‘critical thinking’ and ‘shut up my big book says it’s true’? Go for it. Want to inject a little Christ into the curriculum? By all means have a crack (not in a rudey-nudey bottomy way).
Let me make it easy for you. I’ve already taken the trouble to design a new, correct and much nicer curriculum that will churn out engineers who build planes powered by prayer, mathematicians who can replace blackboards full of equations equalling ‘because God’ and writers churning out books on how best to discipline your wife.
I think you’ll be happy with it.
Special Religious Education
For the purposes of this curriculum, the terms ‘Special’ and ‘Religious’ shall be considered obsolete, as they are so clearly synonymous with ‘Christian’, according to... you know... Christians. Henceforth the term ‘Education’ will be read to mean ‘special’, ‘religious’, ‘judgmental’, ‘paternalistic’ etc etc.
Since all subjects shall be directly sourced from the Bible, pretending that any other texts should be given appropriate time or attention throughout the school term is no longer a necessary course of action. That being the case, the usual piddling half-hour of Bible instruction currently meted out to primary kids will be expanded to cover all but 30 minutes per week of teaching time, and will be superficially categorised into conventional subjects, as set out below.
The remaining half-hour of school time shall be dedicated to quiet prayer and/or tutting at atheists.
Apparently, even that scruffy old demon Christopher Hitchens once said, “You are not educated if you don’t know the Bible. You can’t read Shakespeare or Milton without it.”
With that in mind, the Holy Bible shall be studied extensively as literature, along with whopping slabs of both William Shakespeare and John Milton.
Shakespeare is an obvious choice, with his many Biblical allusions and devout heroes and heroines. And rampant alcoholism. And occultism. And adultery. And dick jokes. All right, not Shakespeare.
Milton, however, was extremely Goddy and devoted a large part of his life to extolling the virtues of Christianity through his fine poetry and prose. He also wrote numerous tracts defending divorce. So that’s Milton in the bin too, I suppose.
Just the Bible then.
To the untrained observer, Christianity and mathematics really don’t have a lot to do with each other. But look a little closer and you’ll find more than enough material to justify teaching the Bible and calling it Maths.
For starters, both are just a bunch of arbitrary truths tacked together with a few proofs and unquestionable laws. They are unquestionable. Shut up.
Now open up your Bible. Any page you like. What are those funny squiggles down the side of each page? That’s right. They’re numbers. Just like in maths. And not only does every page, chapter and verse have a number, there’s an ENTIRE BOOK of numbers, called (rather convincingly) ‘Numbers’. Right there in the Old Testament, after the one about not being gay, eating prawns or wearing poly-cotton.
It’s all there, ready to be learned. All we need are a few little adjustments from the dangerously secular metric system into cubits, shekels and meteyards and Hallelujah! Bible Maths!
The Lord gave us art, drama, dance and music, so it is the duty of humanity to create beautiful works as a tribute to our Creator. The school curriculum should support and reflect this aim, with the following conditions:
No artworks that contain nudity, extra-marital relations, excessive violence (other than that recommended by the Old Testament), sacrilegious images or depictions of people who could be having homosexual thoughts should be studied. Paintings of the fully-clothed baby Jesus, Mary, angels and other Bible characters are acceptable, as are landscapes, bowls of fruit, married white men and women who love each other very much, rainbows and ponies.
Theatrical works should be limited to the nativity play. Short improvised skits based around the question, ‘What Would Jesus Do?’ may be performed in times of moral crisis.
Dancing is not to be encouraged, except in circumstances where no boy-girl contact of hands or pelvic regions can be guaranteed. Or, come to think of it, boy-boy or girl-girl contact. Look, just don’t do any dancing of any kind.
Acceptable inclusions in the music syllabus include choral masses, hymns, selected Christmas Carols and non-threatening “rock” songs suitable for performance in cavernous mega-churches. Writing, performing or studying The Devil’s Music should be done strictly at home in the students’ own time.
Human Society and its Environment (HSIE)
Under this curriculum, the focus of HSIE will be placed squarely in the context of Australia’s Judeo-Christian heritage. Indigenous peoples and culture will be given a cursory glance as a group of savages who were unfortunate enough to occupy this great Judeo-Christian land without even knowing that it was a great Judeo-Christian land.
Emphasis shall be placed on how Christianity has shaped our modern civilisation, touching briefly on the paltry contribution of Islamic, Meso-American, African and other so-called ‘cultures’. You know, the ones that aren’t Judeo-Christian.
The study of world cultures should be divided into two main streams: ‘Western’ and ‘Suspicious-looking foreign ones that don’t want to learn English, take Sundays off or eat white bread and chops’.
Personal Development, Health and Physical Education (PDHP)
The name of this subject shall be amended to reflect its importance in a Jesus-centric context. Hence, Personal Development, Health and Physical Education shall now be referred to as Abstinence and Running Around a Bit.
The Abstinence part will take care of itself. History has shown us that when young adults are given no formal education in the areas of personal development, health and family planning, they can be trusted to leave each other well alone and not ask any questions. This will provide professional educators with considerably more time to sit around the staff room ignoring teen pregnancies.
Physical Education will be provided within a Biblical context. For example, the conventional games of ‘Dodgeball’ and ‘British Bulldog’ may be replaced with the ‘Wrath of the Lord’ game, in which children who asked class-time questions such as “Why do I have two Mummies?” or “What about the fossil record?” run across the oval while the other children attempt to stone them to death.
Science and Technology
Ah. Well, this is awkward. Ummm... how about this: if it can’t be explained away with “Because God”, say “Oh pffft — that’s just a theory!” and be done with it.
There. No doubt this proposal will provide a well-rounded, praisey-Jesusy education for Australia’s children, based on the time-tested foundation of righteousness, obedience, proper mummy-and-daddy family togetherness and Being Very Scared of Hell.
The future is bright indeed.