Thursday, 02 August 2012

The Problem of People

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The world today has many problems. In fact, at a conservative estimate I would say the world has at least ten problems – in no particular order: war; famine; disease; boat people; carbon tax; same-sex marriage; endangered koalas; the pornification of children’s television; the variable quality of modern knee reconstruction techniques and Manu Feildel. And it’s entirely possible that there are other problems I haven’t even thought of, although unlikely because I am a professional journalist with impeccable sources.

All of these problems, like every other problem that has ever plagued the world, are simple problems, with simple solutions. The REAL problem is that we have a tendency to over-complicate things. Take the problem of the Murray-Darling Basin: how long have we spent trying to devise draft plans and buyback schemes and genetically engineered talking fish, when really, all we needed was more water. “More water!” our pollies should have cried as soon as they heard the rivers didn’t have enough water. It’s not like water is hard to find – it falls out of the freaking sky and you can make it with chemistry sets.

But the problems I listed above in my concise way are, if anything, even simpler than that of pouring more water into a river. Look at them for a moment. Notice a common thread? No? Geez, you’re a frigging idiot. OK, let me spell it out for you.

Take war. What is a war? People fighting against other people, right? And what is famine? People with not enough food. And what is disease? People getting sick. And what endangers koalas? People killing them and/or giving them chlamydia. And who makes our kids watch porn? People who like porn.

See the commonality now? The one constant factor through all these problems, the one permanent resident of this vale of tears?

That’s right: people. People cause literally every problem on earth. Without people there’d be no wars, no famines, no Manu Feildel – yes, even our most famous Frenchman impersonator is the result of people! Does their nefarious reach know no limits? I fear not.

So, really, when I said earlier that the world has many problems I was lying. In fact, the world only has one problem: its inhabitants. And is it not time something was done?

This whole planet is just infested with humans crawling all over the surface, oozing various bodily fluids and cutting down trees and shooting wallabies with crossbows without a care in the world and we decent folk do nothing to stop them.

Is there anything worse than a person? Consider murder for a moment (trigger warning: if you are a murderer you may find this paragraph distressing). When a murder happens a person literally kills another person. What sort of person would do that? What sort of person would even consider that? Imagine walking along the street someday and someone staggers out of a nearby milk bar or independent grocer’s and purely by accident vomits on your shoes. Now is that a pleasant experience? No, of course not – in fact, vomiting is another one of the things that makes people terrible – but is the answer really to purchase a chainsaw from the nearest Bunnings for a reasonable price and jam it right into the tenderest portions of the poor vomiter? Is that really fair? I say no, but a murderer would say yes and murderers are almost ALWAYS people, except for killer whales and that polar bear that killed the guy that time. So: murder – a black mark against people.

Also, sex. How dreadful is sex? That’s a rhetorical question but you can answer it if your answer is “exceedingly”. I mentioned same-sex marriage before, which is one of society’s biggest problems, in that it divides families, makes good honest citizens irritable and tense and causes intelligent adults to rub themselves red-raw over Malcolm Turnbull. All in all, same-sex marriage causes nothing but trouble, if only because it provokes fundamentalist Christians into talking in public. And same-sex marriage wouldn’t exist without sex, now would it? The only reason people want to marry people of the same sex is because they like having sex with people of the same sex and the only reason people don’t want people to marry people of the same sex is because they like having sex with people of different sexes and the only reason anyone even has a sex is because of the sex they have and, incidentally there is a lot too much sex being had. People all over the world taking off their clothes — or even worse, NOT taking off their clothes and squelching all over each other, sticking bits of themselves into bits of each other and jiggling them around and squeezing and pinching and wobbling and thrashing each other with bamboo. How incredibly undignified.

If we didn’t have sex, we wouldn’t have sex discrimination, we wouldn’t have illegal pornography and we wouldn’t have children, who grow up to be people, who are of course the problem in the first place. What’s worse is that those children, when they do grow up, will have sex themselves. Children having sex! Is that not disgusting? Is this the world we want to bring our children into? Obviously not, for more than one confusing reason, as I have explained.

So, with their fornicating and their warmongering and their bickering and silly, pointless fashions in pant-legs, people are ruining it for the rest of us. They must be stopped.

But Ben, you ask in that whiny nasal way that people have of asking things, surely this is an intractable problem? People are indeed horrific creatures, but what can we do about them? Nothing, n’est-ce pas?

Well this is obviously not true. There is a very simple solution to the people problem: kill them. Kill them all. Exterminate them. Slaughter them all. Convert them to fertiliser. Wipe them from the face of the earth and dump them in the river. Oh oh oh, but what about that whole murder thing you mentioned earlier, you say? Well for god’s sake don’t be so fucking pedantic, geez. Anyway, murder on an industrial scale is very different to individual murder — it’s sort of like entrepreneurship.

And of course with the new carbon tax, killing people will be easier than ever, given most of them will freeze to death because of soaring heating costs and the rest will commit suicide in despair at the socialism that now rules their lives. It’ll be a doddle.

So that’s my answer — some might say my “final solution”, although I get how that might be offensive due to the association with the infamous “Malaysia solution” – to the problems that beset the world. Believe me, once there are no people left on earth, all our problems will be just memories.

Well, not memories exactly, you know, but…

Last modified on Wednesday, 08 August 2012
Ben  Pobjie

Ben has not one but TWO hilarious books out now. Surveying the Wreckage and Superchef.

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